30 crawling in *weeps*

Hellooo

Long time no see, ha?

I believe the last post that I have written and has boomed was almost 7 years ago!

Fuck – I am old! We are old!

Where did the time go?

Believing I had all the time in the world to make my dreams come true, I forgot that with the time passing I am not just procrastinating for another day; but I am rather numbing a portion of my life span.

I woke up today like any other day, even felt awkward at a party where I would usually thrive meeting new people. And this hit me, woke me up, made me see what I have been shutting off for a bit.

Yes – it is writing. For a long while I haven’t spoken with myself, even on my daily diary – I have been avoiding it for a while. I miss meee, peeps!

So today I am going to pin down what I have been dealing with lately, what I believe is worrying me and what I suppose is thrilling me. It is LOVE. As always, the L O V E word is the key to our existence, happiness, and purpose.

Love of God.

Love of Oneself.

Love of Family.

Love of Friends.

Love of Work.

Love of a significant other (not necessarily ending with a lifelong commitment/marriage).

I have stopped loving myself for a bit. I have started doubting my purpose, shaking my dreams, giving up on my habits, and eventually losing interest in all that’s to have a healthy social living.

Am I alone? Is someone there with me?

I have talked to a lot of friends, and most told me that they feel the same. Just with different adaptations mode – trying to reignite their flame for life: a few got married, a few decided to have a kid, some got divorced, some bought  a new expensive car that they are still paying for its installments, many created a virtual appetizing lifestyle they don’t necessarily indulge in, and few stayed home and stopped trying. (I am from this last bunch)

Is it the 30 benchmark that is bothering me? I don’t know... I genuinely think so.

But it is not because I would have wanted/needed to get married by then. Naah, I am not sure I can commit for that long (hahha – sorry Ma, I am sure you are not laughing reading this)

I believe because I had so many expectations to how I ought to be by 30; here is a glimpse of my list:

1.       A billionaire

2.       Farm for animals

3.       My own place (PS: I have been paying for the installments of my ironman BIKE *weeping loudly*)

4.       A stable boyfriend (PS: ana aiza adala3 – nth more)

5.       Master in Psychology

6.       Picked up my medicine studies (PS: yes – I was in Medicine Ain Shams and then decided to continue in AUC; a bit regretful of this)

7.        Have my own book published – probably produced into a series

8.       Become a feminist icon

9.       Adopt a child

10.   To have visited the Asian continent by now (PS: been to Sinai and UAE, but still doesn’t count)

11.   Gained back my suuuuupppperrrr FIT! (PS: I swear I had the 6 abs when I was 14!)

12.   Started my own vegan F&B

And the list gggoooooeeesss on!

Do you have this list? Have you ticked off any of the items on it?

Well, I have been infinitely blessed by God! I swear!

Last year, when I changed my existence and career for the 3^rd time I was happy and free!

People thought I would crumble leaving behind such a glamorous (but secretly awful) broadcast career, but I was getting nowhere. I was freed for the first time in years, but then I realized how I haven’t moved forward on few of my fronts (namely the aforementioned list).

Do not get me wrong, I achieved plenty! But these dreams, the ones I put here, are still untouched.

And there I was a 14-year-old swimming champ who thought she was so special and unstoppable. This young version of me would been a tad astonished of how both resilient and strong, yet realistic with a tinge of pessimism I have become.

30 is a big number, it is not the end of the world – ofc not!

It is just that young Farah wanted so much, and I should have worked better and harder on not disappointing her. I swear to God, us Virgos, we are our worst critics – it is suffocating.

Wish me well for these 7 months, I hope I regain the energy and capitalize on this wake-up call I got to at least cross 3 goals from the ones shared here.

And please, tell me – did I fail myself this way? Or am I simply asking for too much?

Why am I not ever satisfied with what I am doing? Is it just me?

I feel like there is more to life than what I am doing here, and I wish one day I am able to unlock it.

I will begin by a simple gesture, that has changed my life before and made me an Ironwoman.

I WILL FALL IN LOVE WITH WHO I AM ONCE MORE!

I will love me, cherish me, and push me to be more.

For me, and only me 😊

El Salam Alikom All – one of my favorite farewell and greetings…

Imagine wishing peace, ultimate peace to every single soul you meet

 

See you/talk to you/write to you on my 30^th birthday!

Do you think I would be able to love myself by then? xx