Me and my other

For so long, I have wished that my life had taken a different direction, that my decisions have led me to a different situation, and that I ended up somewhere other than here. I spent years trying to make sense out of my past behavior, out of my regretful decisions and out of the old me making the present me fail like that. I didn’t fail anyone, only myself. I have always seen myself as a torture instrument to my present existence. I didn’t like where I ended up, I couldn’t make reason out of it. Most of my days were spent over nostalgia and an obsessive belonging to my old young self that is long gone and that has completely vanished. My mind filled with only sad thoughts that happiness became unreachable for me. Smiles were the best cover to hide my pain and remorse. I make it clear that I said remorse and not regret. Someone once told me that they have different meanings, as remorse is the pain of doing something foolish in your past, while regret is the pain of not doing something you ought to do. I have so many unpleasant memories, that the fine difference between the two words became blurry. I couldn’t see anything but my “glorious” past verses my “shameful” present. And how could anyone live through such despise? Usually when you hate someone that much you walk away from him and try to create a parallel life away from him so you would completely and irreversibly forget about his entire existence. But I couldn’t do that. After all, it’s me. I can’t walk away from myself. Therefore, dreams became my salvation, the answer of my inner prayers to go back in time and change my decisions; moreover, it’s where I have created this parallel world of mine.

I believe that I have left you under the impression that I‘m a loser, but I am not. Not at all. The thing is that I have succeeded in my life but in a different way than the one I have always longed for. It took me time and a lot of help to realize this. I have always thought that success comes in only one form, my form. Obviously I‘m wrong: success may take many different and variable forms. But I didn’t know that. No one made this clear for me when I was young. I thought that plans should never change because once they do, it means that you have already failed. But that ‘s the worst and most stupid concept I have ever believed in. Believe it or not but such belief ruined my life for years.

Now I wish to escape this entrapping universe created in my dreams and believe that I can still be successful in my real life. I wish I can completely grasp the idea of success having many different forms. I wish I can remove the concept of constancy of plans.

Whoever said, “rules are made to be broken” is the wisest person to ever live. He reached a fact that I have been looking for, for years now: I can always be the person I want to be no matter how life changes.

God help me and be there by my side as such truth is not fixed in my mind, and I can easily lose it anytime.