growing up in 2012

it’s not easy to lose things; how about losing people? the worst of it all is when you lose parts of yourself. life has all sorts of situations: from the ones that bring you down, to the ones that offer you magical ecstasies. every position you’re put in is a sort of evaluation that time has offered you in order to remind you of who you’re, what you’ve and who you could possibly become if you realise your own value. 

i can’t call 2012 the best year of my life. however, i can label it as the highlight of it, so far. in this year, i’ve lost so many things, people and bits of myself. i don’t know whether i’m burdened with more regrets or actually refreshed by new lessons. 

i can start by telling that i’m a 20 year old girl who has no clue what to become or most importantly why to become it. i used to be this “all planned out” person; no time slips, no spaces wasted nor energy disoriented. but, this year i was the complete opposite, i’ve become whom i’ve worked too hard to avoid. people found me stupid for pausing my whole world and my entire existence due to my ignorance about my future/my major. i couldn’t just keep going out, laughing loudly and smiling endlessly while i have no clue what is my purpose or what cause do i serve by my studies. i just withdrew from my whole life waiting for an answer that i couldn’t reach, even now. pausing my life wasn’t the answer, blaming my surroundings didn’t help and crying myself to sleep definitely couldn’t cure my feelings of failure. 

i got from bad to worse, from worse to worst. and then when i hit bottom, when i had no where deeper to go, i had to look up one more time. as a stupid emotional eater, i gained and lost weight twice this year! funny, ha? yes! but i hope that my eating disorders have stopped by now. 

nonetheless, my love life took a different direction. it got way mature. i’ve realised what kind of woman i’m, and what kind of man i deserve. enough with the bullshit already, now i’m aware of what i ought to get and i’m prepared to look for it without settling for less. 

on the other hand, a lot of friends have crossed right through my life: a lot walked out, few came in and the majority are on the peripheral. i lose some, i gain some; it hurts. this nonstop flow of people who walk in and out of my life leave a big void. no one is replaceable, no one is ever completely forgotten, everyone leaves a scar. i miss so many moments. i indulge in them. but then i lose my present. therefore, i’ve decided to grasp the now before it slips, with whoever happens to be in my life: to enjoy their company and give them all my love and attention, to disregard our differences and let our commonalities blossom.  and when it’s time for them to leave, i’ll let them go with no regrets nor nostalgia, because they have changed me in a way that will keep their imprint in my soul and mind forever. no more regrets, no more remorses, just the joy of having had, having, or going to have this person in my life. 

the most important repaired part of me is family. i have never had the time to spend that amount of hours around the house, with my family. i’ve discovered what kind of invisible yet major support they provide us with. i admit of being blind for their importance for a long while. but now i see, i understand and i thank GOD a million times a day for giving them to me and i ask him to help me support them as much they did for me during my whole life. i also hope that he forgives my stupidity and my ingratitude during the past years. 

with all this time on my own, i have posed so many questions that i couldn’t answer right away; it took me a year to understand how broad could be their responses. the only thing that helped me look up when i have hit rock bottom is GOD: my belief in a better ending, my hope for an alternative scenario are what ignited my spirit once more to fight its way up. everything ends: good times, bad times, perfect moments, days of agony, lovely nights, sunny days... nothing lasts forever. thus, when you fall down and no one seems concerned enough to offer you a hand, believe that eventually-after the dizziness goes-you will be able to straighten up all on your own; don’t waste your time wondering what went wrong and how did you fall, just start planning how to make things right.

i wish that this year has offered me lifelong lessons that i’ll never forget, and that i will start living by starting the coming year. 

HAPPY NEW YEAR! And my we all live to the fullest. 

28/12/12. 03:32.